You’ve had a few vodka tonics…or five. Your favorite song has been played by the DJ once or twice, and your feet have been hurting since before you left your house. Your cleavage is sticky from spilled drinks, either by your own devising or your wing-gal. You maybe have cried already, be it was in a secluded booth with your besties, or in a bathroom with a very random, very drunk girl. This girl is your best friend, and this girl is you.
After three years of legal drinking, I’m convinced that the closest bond a woman will ever form is with the drunk girl in the bathroom. Every woman, drunk or sober, has met the drunk girl in the bathroom. When you’re sober, she might be slightly sloppy and unreasonably happy or emotional. Those “Oh my gooooood I love your shooooooes” might seem less genuine when it’s spoken from a vomit incrusted mouth. However, a “Wow, your makeup is just on point” is the best compliment you’ve ever gotten in your entire life when you’re standing at those sinks more intoxicated than you’ll ever admit.
Drunken bathroom bonds are formed over a multitude of things. For instance, if your hair is disheveled in just the right way, your bathroom bff will notice and compliment you. If you’ve got toilet paper stuck to your clubbin’ heals, your drunken toilet angel has your back. When that guy you came with blew you off for a younger, more sloppy model, your sink sister will tell you that you’re too good for him and that you’re way too hawt to be crying. Just now, my sanitation room saint passed me tissues after I realized the only women’s’ stall didn’t have toilet paper. There’s a level of womanhood that occurs once that swinging bathroom door shuts.
What about hovering? Sometimes you just gotta. A real bathroom bestie wipes the seat down for you when she’s done. Because, you know, sometimes it’s just the over aggressive flushing that is the cause for the wet planting, or perhaps you just missed. Your lavatory lover though, she’s got you. When your mascara has started running away from your face, she’s got makeup wipes. When you leave the restroom and she sees your date, she tells you when you could do better, or high-fives you when she knows you’re going home a winner. So, to the ladies of the night and the comrades of the commode, thank you for your unwavering loyalty and all-encompassing companionship. I wish I remembered you tomorrow—if I could, we would be sisters for life. I love you. Wing-women forever. XOXO